Advice on Breaking Up
OK, so it's not
going well for whatever reason. Your boyfriend or partner just isn't living up
to your expectations, or doesn't want to see you any more or you just know that
it's not working out. Be honest with yourself about why it's not working and don't
hang on in there if he doesn't want the same from a relationship as you.
Even though
breaking up really can be "hard to do", you can save yourself weeks,
months or years of lost or wasted time by getting out early on if your
intuition tells you it just isn't working.
If it's you that wants the split
In this case be
kind and gentle upon your ex-to-be. In other words, do as you would be done to.
Tell him that you want to finish as kindly as you can. Believe me, you are
doing him a favour by letting him go to move on to someone who can love him in
the way that he deserves. Don't promise to be friends, unless this is something
that you can deliver on. Sometimes the kindest way is to get out of the way and
allow your partner the space to get over you. If he tries to cling on to you,
then you must gently but firmly stop all contact. Perhaps you might allow him
an opportunity to discuss it but be honest about it being over and don't relent
out of guilt. Withdraw from the situation as soon as possible.
If it's your other half that wants the split
As much as you
desperately want to hang on in there, realise that it's time to let go. Don't
grasp onto something that doesn't want to be grasped on to. You will only chase
it further away. Never cling or go where you are not wanted. Remember that
self-respect, dignity and loving yourself are your top priority.
Yes, it's going to
hurt but isn't a long slow painful falling apart going to hurt even more over
the long term? If it's over then allow yourself some space to grieve, feel
those feelings, let them out. If it helps, write a letter to your ex but do not
send it.
If you want him
back in a relationship capacity then don't keep in contact and don't stay just
friends. If you stay friends then you won't give him the opportunity to miss
you as you are still in his life in a lesser capacity. If you can cut ties with
dignity and self respect, then there's a chance at a later date that your ex
may realise what a wonderfully balanced self-controlled person he is missing
and return to you of his own free will. If you turn into a "bunny
boiler" at this point then you've almost certainly blown it.
How to get over it
Allow yourself the
time to grieve; you need to heal your wounds before you get out dating again.
The amount of time that this may take will vary and can depend upon how long
you were together and how attached you were to your relationship. Be strong;
spend your time with the people who love you. When you are on your own you can
cry, scream or beat up a pillow if it helps but remember that you existed
without this person once before and you can do so again. Look after yourself;
when you feel up to it try a new hobby or make some new friends. The sun will
shine again and you will be OK, however bad you feel now; and one day you will
look back and know that it was the right decision.